i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
Randomize
