I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
