I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
