apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Randomize
