if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
