Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
Randomize
