As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
I asked you if you needed a ride and you kept saying "no, my name is katelyn"
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
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