What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
Randomize
