Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Randomize
