i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
