When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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