I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
