Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
