I wish I could punch you in the face.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
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