you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
