Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
i love accidental penises.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Randomize
