six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Randomize
