Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
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