Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
Randomize
