i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
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