You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
