My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Randomize
