i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
