she is the kim kardashian of front butts
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
Randomize
