He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize