Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
