I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
