I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
Randomize
