i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
Oh well. haha. i couldn't really understand what she was saying. i just nodded a lot. i guesss she found that sexy.
gotta love spring break
gotta love slutty girls from the south
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
Randomize
