Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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