my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
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