Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
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