yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
