Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
she smelled like a LAN party
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
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