went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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