I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Randomize
