So you're telling me it's impossible to have a "slight case" of chlamydia?
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
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