Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
whose ass print is on the piano?
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Randomize
