I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
