At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
