I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
Randomize
