After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
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