just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
can i bring anything?
Any of the following: Sex doll, side dish, fruits/vegetables that look like dildos, beer
is there a theme i should know about?
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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