i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
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