I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
im gay
i know
yea but for you.
do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
They left me at home... I'm a liability
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
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