Good. I was naked most of the night. But sometimes I would wear my tux vest...But only my tux vest. It was classy
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
Randomize
