What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
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