Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
smell my finger.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
