Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
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