i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize