I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Randomize
