I used to practice getting hit by cars.
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Randomize
