Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
Ladies don't puke and tell
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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